Cattishness

I was going to send this to my friend Caro but then I thought other people might enjoy it as well. 

All About CATS

CAT (n): 1. Furry keyboard cover 2. Alarm clock

CAT (n): Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

After a hard day, it's nice to come home to a warm cat.

A cat's way of keeping law & order is Claw Enforcement.

A cat, the only self-cleaning appliance in the house.

A cat stretches from one end of my childhood to the other.

A cat is -always- on the wrong side of the door.

Door: Something a cat wants to be on the other side of.

CAT RULE #4: Reserve hairballs for shag carpets

Cat: I could've SWORN I heard the can opener!

Cats know leaping into the empty box helps their human pack.

Cats know mom's breasts are pillows that need fluffing.

Cats know the bed is a WWF wrestling ring.

Cats must activate "the paw" when there is food within snagging distance.

Cats must bite their human's feet when she is using the computer.

Cats must hold the pen in their mouth while their human is trying to write.

Cats must open all the presents before Christmas.

Cats must step on the key marked "Del".

Cats must sit on top of the kitchen cabinets playing 'vulture'.

Cats must supervise the human when s/he is working at the kitchen counter.

Cats: God's way of telling you your furniture is too nice

Civilization is defined by the presence of cats.

Computer and TV screens exist to backlight a cat's lovely tail.
       
Nice kittens give you time to clot between attacks.

The four cat food groups: Dry, Canned, Natural, Yours.

To start your cat collection, simply open a can of tuna.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. (Stephen Wright)

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch. (Leo Dworken)

Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner. (Stephen Baker)

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a lot of ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." (Joseph Wood Crutch)

 "If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh." (Patricia Hitchcock)

"A cat can maintain a position of curled up somnolence on your knee until you are nearly upright. To  the last minute she hopes your conscience will get the better of you and you will settle down  again." (Pam Brown)

Etiquette:
"When addressed, a gentleman cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hasn't heard."  (Mary Sarton)

And my favorites:

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer."   (Bruce Graham)

Cat aplomb: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

Cat Rule #3: When fat, arrange self in slim pose.

Cats know there are Martians hiding in the new drapes.

Cats must sleep in the middle of the bed. The corners are not as comfy.

Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.

It's always darkest before you step on the cat.