Biko

I so hate to have my actions dictated by fear that sometimes, I am reckless. There's often a very muddled line for me between acting out of fear or acting wisely and acting recklessly or acting stupidely. In other words, the minute I think fear is what's driving me to do X, I do a u-turn and rush into Y just so that I won't submit to my fear. The problem is, Y is NOT always wise or best.

I wrote a post this morning and my friend advised me to remove it. While the rebel in me is kicking and bucking, I decided his voice was probably Wisdom speaking so I listened and removed it. But it also makes me feel like I was just afraid to post it and that makes the hair curl on my arms.

Who ever said life was simple? Who ever said a blog was about freedom of speech?

What creates bonds

I never come back from travelling unchanged, even to a place as insignificant as Trois-Rivières. Last week proved remarkably insightful for me. The conference was a glorious success. Lesson number one: the leader of the conference actually gives the tone to the conference. A stressed out president conveys the stress to the organizing committee, the committee looks and acts stressed and the participants feel it too. This year, there was no stress flowing down from the top and the conference went smoothly, happily and joyfully. In my endless analysis of the styles and types of leadership, I learned a lot there. I suddenly realized that the stress of the preceding years was not indispensable, that the task could be just as successfully completed without the panic mode.

Lesson number two, which I will use if I’m ever again in a relationship: shared experience is what makes a relationship precious; the things you go through together, you experience together, especially if it is unusual, or hard, or emotional. A bond forms between humans under particular circumstances that is just stronger than any other. Hence the feeling that soldiers develop and that they forever search again in civil life afterwards. I think what will make a relationship strong and special is not the 101 ordinary mornings when you woke up together, it’s the time you braved you fears together and went skydiving, it’s the morning you got lost in the Hawaiian brush and walked for four hours before you found your way again, it’s when the dog died and you both cried so hard.
So what I learned this week is that for a couple to build strength, the unusual experiences must be shared. If they are lived apart, I believe the relationship will become that much weaker.
This would appear to contradict a prior finding of mine, that happy, healthy couples were the ones who were careful to maintain an individual life, with friends and hobbies not necessarily shared by the significant other. So I'll ponder about that and I'll get back to you. Then again, I'm not uncomfortable with two opposite theories being true at once. Welcome to quantum physics.

What else did I find out? A lot, but it will come out little by little. I rushed this one just because I had a panting public that was pressuring me (oh the slavery...)

While he flies

This is Sunday. A week is gone, which I thought would never come and feared would never end.

It was an eventful week and I've written a long post and still feel I have a lot more to write. But I'm strangely reluctant to post it.

What, if anything, has changed apart from me? Let me get my bearings back. Then I'll post again.

Wednesday night

Ouf! What a day! We really run on adrenaline, which means that when the times comes for the conferences whose speakers you hand-picked, you’re so wired, so hyper, and so exhausted that you’re simply incapable of sitting still or concentrating, so the conferences are wasted on you.

I know you’re all, like, holding your breath to know how the conference is going, like you care so much to find out… I know, I know. Huh uh.
Well, I’m too tired to try and make my blog interesting this week. It’s more of a diary where I record how it’s going. Hell, it’s 23:23…What do you expect?

I’ve not had time to train in two days, don’t plan on it until Saturday and I’m ingesting much more alcohol than usual. So what is next week called? Damage control.

For some reason, even though I’ve been on the organizing committee for the last 3 conferences/years, this is the first one where I simply seem to ENJOY myself.

For the first time, I’m not trying to accomplish anything other than be there, help make it a success. It might be my last year, because the internal politics always burn the volunteers quickly. Sadly. It could be my last year if I stay with my current boss. I don’t really care at this point. Organizing such an event is living in the moment. It is the first thing that takes my mind off of TLM and that’s nothing short of a welcome miracle.

Now if I can just…I’ll look into that when I get back.

Wednesday

Yaaaaawn. I'm not getting enough sleep yet on average, I'm getting about twice as much as the other members of the committee (meaning I'm skipping on a LOT of partying). I just don't deal well with sleep deprivation, that's when I start seeing pink elephants (even when they're a normal green).

At 13:00 today, 260 people are invading the hotel. The countdown has begun and I doubt if I'll have time again to blog before the end of the conference, Friday night, at which point I've no doubt I'll be a very sorry sight.

I observe myself as I observe others and I see that I'm always holding back a little, never quite joining the group, always keeping a little private space, a little independance. I'm missing some very interesting social interaction and conversations. I try to compensate by being reliable, working extra hard and once in a while, giving the clown in me free reins. Last night, I tried on and paraded each and every one of the costumes that were brought, to the delight of the group, including the hotel's bathrobe and spare bedcover. I think I will be forgiven for what could seem to be stand-offishness.

Hop…à l'attaque…

'till later

Monday

One day in. Lovely drive with X&Y in the CD. Nice room with a direct view onto the water. Worked hard in the “office” also called “bunker” which will be our HQ for the week. Worked hard but with the dynamics and atmosphere that characterize the our team…meaning I plugged in my Ipod while we worked, we’re all here to contribute and make it happen, we’re all considered responsible adults, we all want to have fun while working.

As often, I was the odd man out when I disappeared for three hours to put in a two hour workout…took two classes at the local gym. Sweated but didn’t really enjoy. I think tomorrow I’ll investigate the hotel gym which doesn’t seem bad.

In the meantime, my team had a few drinks, had diner and a few more drinks, and were headed to a place called the “Coconut Something”. Now I’m a fair drinker myself, but I wasn’t in the mood for a bar and exotic, smoking drinks…I wonder if my independence will mark me as the loner…I’ll risk it. I don’t want to play loner but at the same time…I’ll respect my priorities.

So these are the last minutes before hitting my king size bed. This is the typical time to miss the hugs of my son, the purr of my cats. This is fine for a week, because I know it’s only for five days. I wonder if those who travel A LOT ever get used to it, ever stop missing the vital parts of them that are the loved ones.
I’d have to ask SYWRD, who’s all over the map in the recent months. The man must get lonely as hell. Or perhaps men don’t. I’m not sure.

‘till tomorrow.

Ready

I gave in yesterday and acquired an Ipod, after my MP3 player started misbehaving badly. I now have eight times the space I had before, and I have to say, I-pod and Mac... they sure get along! Copying and uploading is a
walk in the park. So I'm like...like a man with a new toy (that says it all).

I've downloaded some Gypsy Kings and some Buena Vista Social Club that speak of pleasant hours ahead.

There's even a contraption that allows you to play your Ipod in your car...I'm gonna ask Santa for one...

The suitcase is packed. I have a laptop but I'll blog only if I'm in the mood for it. I love travelling by myself, always have, but I also know by experience that hotel rooms are sometimes the loneliest place on earth. And I'm still looking for the hotel that would provide the company of a cat for the duration of your stay. I hate sleeping by myself. I might have to resort to the company of men. Ahem.

I will try to fit in a few workouts or at least a few runs.

My son will miss me, my cats will be desperate, or as desperate as cats get, which means keep on eating and sleeping and once in a while, open one eye to see if "she"'s back.

I leave early in the morning.

If

No, this is not about Kipling.

All right, hear this: O.J. Simpson is about to tell how he would have committed the murders he was acquitted from, IF he had done it. Here's People's excerpt:

The two-part, "unrestricted" interview, to be conducted by book publisher Judith Regan and called O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, says FOX, the Associated Press reports.
On Nov. 30, Simpson's book, titled If I Did It, which Regan is publishing, goes on sale. Its text "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed," according to a press release.

I lived in the States at the time of his trial so I followed everything closely (I didn't have a choice, it was all that was broadcasted on the US's 87 TV channels for 9 months).

I won't even get into the guilt debate. I'm a white female so I'm part of the demographics who's convinced he's guilty as hell.

But what is this? I'm missing something here. Something huge. Let's see: the guy who was acquitted is now going to write a book about HOW he would have done it? Is that a veiled confession to unburden his conscience? Is it an attempt to just confuse cards no one is looking at anymore? Is it, more likely, a desperate longing to get back in the limelight at any cost? "If I did it, here's how it happened"?

I am amazed, speechless, stunned, bewildered. Just when you think the world cannot possibly become more absurd or ridiculous.

Well, I promise you this. Mr. Simpson might appear in my blog, but he'll never make a penny from me for being an abuser and a murderer. Nicole, rest in peace. I will not ever listen to him, tune to him, or read him. That's a promise.

***
On a more cheerful note: I did the usual two hour workout last night, including spinning with lots of intervals and resistance. About a liter of water was transfered by osmosis from my body to my clothes, but I followed the instructor throughout.

I was in bed before it struck me: I DID IT. The workout yesterday was good, intense and left me feeling energized…not wiped, dead, nauseated or chalky green. I had set my goal at the beginning of September to be able to survive spinning…Well I'm there! I can now handle my two hours just fine!

How amazing is that? Bridge, I'm so proud of you!  We all are, me myself and I.

Cattishness

I was going to send this to my friend Caro but then I thought other people might enjoy it as well. 

All About CATS

CAT (n): 1. Furry keyboard cover 2. Alarm clock

CAT (n): Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

After a hard day, it's nice to come home to a warm cat.

A cat's way of keeping law & order is Claw Enforcement.

A cat, the only self-cleaning appliance in the house.

A cat stretches from one end of my childhood to the other.

A cat is -always- on the wrong side of the door.

Door: Something a cat wants to be on the other side of.

CAT RULE #4: Reserve hairballs for shag carpets

Cat: I could've SWORN I heard the can opener!

Cats know leaping into the empty box helps their human pack.

Cats know mom's breasts are pillows that need fluffing.

Cats know the bed is a WWF wrestling ring.

Cats must activate "the paw" when there is food within snagging distance.

Cats must bite their human's feet when she is using the computer.

Cats must hold the pen in their mouth while their human is trying to write.

Cats must open all the presents before Christmas.

Cats must step on the key marked "Del".

Cats must sit on top of the kitchen cabinets playing 'vulture'.

Cats must supervise the human when s/he is working at the kitchen counter.

Cats: God's way of telling you your furniture is too nice

Civilization is defined by the presence of cats.

Computer and TV screens exist to backlight a cat's lovely tail.
       
Nice kittens give you time to clot between attacks.

The four cat food groups: Dry, Canned, Natural, Yours.

To start your cat collection, simply open a can of tuna.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. (Stephen Wright)

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch. (Leo Dworken)

Most beds sleep up to six cats. Ten cats without the owner. (Stephen Baker)

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a lot of ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." (Joseph Wood Crutch)

 "If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh." (Patricia Hitchcock)

"A cat can maintain a position of curled up somnolence on your knee until you are nearly upright. To  the last minute she hopes your conscience will get the better of you and you will settle down  again." (Pam Brown)

Etiquette:
"When addressed, a gentleman cat does not move a muscle. He looks as if he hasn't heard."  (Mary Sarton)

And my favorites:

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer."   (Bruce Graham)

Cat aplomb: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

Cat Rule #3: When fat, arrange self in slim pose.

Cats know there are Martians hiding in the new drapes.

Cats must sleep in the middle of the bed. The corners are not as comfy.

Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.

It's always darkest before you step on the cat.

Nada que decir

Things are going...fast.

This week is a four day week. I have to get everything ready for my absence next week, when I'll be staying in Trois-Rivières for a week long seminar. I'm on the organizing committee so I can expect to be running around all week. I've no idea whether I'll blog or not from there...

This Thursday, I have a first written exam for the position I've applied for. So the word for two days is: study!
On Friday, meeting to organize another huge staff event. The fun never ends. I've been working on the November seminar for one year. The next staff event is as big, as long, but will take place at the end of January… so a fraction of the time to prepare. Hee hah!

What else is new? I wrapped up my first Christmas present this weekend? I bought a belt 'cause all my jeans are threatening to abandon me while I wear them? I don't have my snow tires on yet? (Well my car doesn't…)

This wins the prize for the most boring and insignficant post in a long time. Thanks for voting. I'll leave you with a little science from Will, my son's best friend, teaching us about black widows:

(…) "Then the female eats the male and that's how they make babies."

Verbatim. Who knew?

After the storm

My cataclysmic anger of yesterday has finally faded after a two hour workout and a good night sleep. I didn't even tell you about it, I can't anyway.
This morning I had a tearful episode as I received confirmation that my co-worker is not expected to last past Christmas. It could come anytime.
Now I am ok, basically, but I have NO concentration. Zero. So be it.
Tonight I embark on a four day weekend. I'll see if I can break out of my sad mood. Without the help of several litres of wine :) Do I sound like an alcoholic yet? Anybody wants to join me?

Someone declared to me recently:
"There are four great pleasures in life: eating, making love, giving your all in intense physical exercise…and brushing your tongue against your teeth when you come out of the dentist's after a cleaning."
Whether I agree with the four or not, it is so nice to see someone who has firmly identified and established the four great pleasures in life (jouissance, en français). Nothing like having an opinion!

That's all for now folks.

La fête triste

"Bridge, you sound sadder and sadder these days", said Angel. "What's going on?"

So I stopped and thought. Am I so sad? Perhaps. There are several sources.

This girlfriend of mine (we never met but a friend nevertheless) lost her baby in her 28th week of pregnancy. This little girl not destined to live was called Gabrielle. I've no fortitude as far as babies are concerned. It makes me very sad.

This co-worker, whose cubicle is ten feet from mine, was taken to the hospital last week. She will not be back. She's dying. It freaks me out.

My friends are not there for me as much as I'd need them to be. It tugs at my heart.

So yes, there's plenty of sadness in my life right now. But I will not shun it, repress it, ignore it or deny it. I will neither push it away nor hold onto it. I will acknowledge it and wait for it to float away in its own good time. All emotions do, eventually.

The Falling Of The Veil

A couple of months ago, I embarked on a quest. I didn't have much hope to begin with. I quested and quested, bravely, stubbornly ( I know, I just created that verb). Once in a while I caught a glimpse of the Grail.

Today, the Grail was revealed to me clearly, and just as clearly, vanished. I am not the one meant to hold it. My question has been answered and thus my quest has come to an end.

It is not, of course, the outcome I was hoping for. Yet I am strangely at peace with it. I no longer have to look out for the Grail, to wonder if it will be mine, if it is meant for me. I no longer have to worry "will I be brave enough, will I be worthy, will I have what it takes?"
I know I will keep getting glimpses of the Grail. Will I come to terms with living a life parallel to it, or will it tear my heart every time to remember that I was not the chosen one?
I don't know.
Tonight, I'm taking off my armor, cleaning my sword, taking care of my horse. My quest has come to en end.
I'll keep everything in good order for the next one.