Daily Colors

The people sitting across from me come from all over the world: the Philippines, Morocco, France, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Mali, the Ivory Coast, Mexico, Argentina, Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Romania, Rwanda…
Some are shy and reserved some friendly and at ease. Their skin comes in every possible shade. The children stare at me unblinkingly, and then whisper mysteriously in the parents' ears, in a language that means nothing to me.
I glance discreetly at the book that this young, unshaven man with the stern glasses is reading: Umberto Ecco.
Once in a while, I get a rosy-cheeked, blond hair, blue-eyed baby blowing happy bubbles, that bears a familiar French-Canadian name. She's the exception; most names are exotic and unfamiliar.

Boys will be boys, and the guys have a code to signal the presence of a "chick". A "chick" is young or not so young and has that immaterial je-ne-sais-quoi that is instantly recognizable to the male sex. (The immaterial je-ne-sais-quoi quite often being a very generous and very real frontal endowment, of course.) If I get the "chick", I'm suddenly surrounded by widely grinning colleagues who "just happen" to have something to do at my desk. The chicks are no fools and usually enjoy the attention.
Strictly in the name of fairness and equality, I demanded a code that will signal when a "good-looking guy" comes in. But in truth, it won't happen often. The guys that come in may be interesting, intelligent or have fascinating life stories…or not. But one thing they ain't is good looking.

There is not much outlet for my sense of humor. Circumstances are just not favorable, so I'm uncharacteristically serious. I miss the laughter and irreverence that usually punctuate my life.

A Hateful of Hollow

I must write a public apology to family and friends. I'm not always good at keeping in touch, and the blog was one way I was making up for it. But recently, I've been lousy both at keeping in touch AND at writing the blog. If you're among my friends and wonder why I'm so silent, take comfort in knowing that it's not just with you. I don't write, I don't call, I don't email. I hardly keep up the reading with my favorite blogs. I'm pretty much as disconnected as can be.

I know by experience that that's not the healthiest way to be. No man is an island. I need fulfilling interaction with fellow human beings to be happy and balanced. That's the theory. In practice, I feel too empty to interact much. I feel I have nothing to say these days. Just nothing. So I don't say anything. I shut up and stick to myself. I'm all right y'all, I'm just…empty.

Namaste

Need New Challenge, Will Babysit

So Jeno is a training machine. That's fine. He's also certifiable (he brags about it... but then he's such a show-off).
I really don't feel the need or the urge to compete with him, either in training or in insanity. There are, after all, limits to my potential, limits which I humbly acknowledge.
However, I do thrive on challenges. And even though things like marathons or, god forbids, triathlons are not the type of challenges that stimulate me, I do need to find some new challenge, some measurable goal to add to my training. It needs to be meaningful, challenging and verifiable. I'm just not sure what it could be…

- complete split on both sides?
- 25 full push-ups?
- run up the Pain de Sucre non-stop?
- lift and hold Fatso for more than 18 seconds?
- 1 length of my 10m pool underwater?

I don't know…I'm undecided. I'm perplexed. I'm hesitant. I'm unsure. I'm pondering. I'm looking for inspiration.

Talking about inspiration, at work, mothers come in with wayyyyyy too many babies. I become quite useless, totally enthralled in the little ones, ignoring their boring parents, literally dying to kidnap and run away with each little bundle. I. LOVE. BABIES. I'm sure my co-workers will adapt.

Un Dimanche à la Campagne

A beautiful Mother's Day. The sun was shining but the wind cool, perfect temperature. My mother, my son and I had lunch in the garden. Green salad, a French cheese called Bourseault, fresh bread, red Cabernet Sauvignon and a few presents in flowery wrapping. The three cats laid out in the sun around us, Loukhi in her harness...
My mother and I reconnecting, re-establishing once again the bond that will never be severed. My brother present through book and cards... My son, loud, excited, affectionate, doing his own things... My son and I, doing the dishes together...
A beautiful Sunday.
Happy Mother's Day to my friends, Sophie and your gang, Michèle and your brand new wonder, Connie dearest, all of you who have once held your baby in your arms and found out your life would never be the same...

Et... vraiment... .....Voilà.

After a week of training, I passed my exam with 95%. At least; because the one question I had "wrong" has to be verified by the instructors and might turn out to be good after all. Am I bragging? Not really. I'm saying at least I didn't waste my time this week. I worked hard and I justified the trust my supervisors put in me when they sent me for training. God, that's beautiful. Could I borrow a kleenex?

I found out a snake. And what a snake! It's good. It's always best to know which are the harmless grass snakes and which are the dangerous vipers. You can then protect yourself. I've given that person the benefit of the doubt long enough. Now I know.

I had laughter and teasing and fun with TLM yesterday. Now is the weekend. A whole evening of leisure stretches before me. The weather is warm and all the windows are open, billowing the curtains. The cats, stunned by the sudden heat, are laying stretched out all over the place, preferably underfoot. Three cats: every time you turn around, you're stepping on one.

The garden is in full bloom. The Loud One is playing on the other computer..oups did I say Loud One? I meant Loved One of course.

Serenity is such that I am ashamed at being SO UNFAIRLY, UNJUSTLY, UNDERSERVEDLY lucky. No, my life is not always easy, by any means. But I am so safe, so well-fed, so secure, so loved, so darned privileged.

Tomorrow, I'll change my mind and have a breakdown :)

Yes, I DO speak Chinese

A hardly knows me.
B knows me and doesn't like me. B may or may not have been privy to some information about me, information that should not have been given without a context, and B might or might not have passed it on to A, and might or might not have put a negative twist to it.
I don't know how much B's been told. I don't know what, if anything B told A about me. I don't even know whether they ever discussed me.
But I know this:
I don't trust B. And there are not a lot of people about whom I will say this.

How do you like the plot so far? lol

God knows I'm no angel. God knows I am so flawed I could be a poster child for imperfection. But I'll tell the brilliant people out there (and the brilliant people know who they are, they can't help it):
Don't you believe anything said about me, good or bad, unless you can double check it for yourself. There's plenty of material for rumors about me. I know some of them, I can guess some others. All I ask is: form your own opinion from your own findings. Make up your own mind. Keep your own counsel.

Now does that sound like a paranoïed post OR WHAT? I seldom seek to justify myself. But this has been on my mind for a long time. I have a blog: today is the day I voice it.

Then I'll go back to the voice of reason, which somehow always sounds like Sam:
"If they hear something bad about you and believe it without bothering to double check... F*** them. They're not worth you worrying over them."

Dear Sam, happy birthday, you're wonderful.

What's up

Long time no write. I'm in a pretty demanding work training all week, demanding in concentration and by being shut up in a room with no air circulation.

I thought Jeno would blog more than ever but I see he's also slowing down quite a bit. I therefore deduce that prolific blogging is directly proportional to the time spent in front of a computer.

I am not driven to write much these days. Partly because I spend less time in front of a screen. Partly because ..."censored"....can't write that.

I foresee the TLM business possibly coming to a drastic turn or dead-end in the event circumstances go from my seeing him four times a week to not ever. The possibility struck me yesterday, is out of my control, and sent me reeling. I'm now aware it could come to pass. If and when it does, the blow will be incredibly hard. I will either survive or go to pieces. Wish me to survive.

My pool will get a new lining with exotic fish, and therefore become operational, on June fourth. Considering it's already sweltering, I have a feeling we're going to long for it before that!

The strange winter killed two of my rosebushes and a number of other bushes. But all my little bitty growing trees made it and are covered in tender green leaves. What a lovely time of year.

Talk to you soon.

In The City

As someone pointed out to me before, pedestrians in Montreal are extremely rude. They don't know the crowded city pedestrian trick of yielding a shoulder when passing by someone. They walk on, at their own pace and in their own path, oblivious to the world around them. Being the very polite person that I am, I am normally the one yielding constantly. Not anymore. With the new job, I have a total of three minutes to spare to catch my train, a buffer zone I'm very uncomfortable with. So on my way back, during the rush hour in the endless corridors of the subway and the train station, I walk fast and with a purpose. For once, it is useful to be 5'10" and built like a wardrobe. My body language says, in no uncertain terms: "Get out of my way or we will collide!" and amazingly, male and female suddenly yield before me. It's still not out of civility, it's out of fear of impact. I don't care. I've been the lone civil one long enough. Get out of my f*** way.

I've heard some of my superiors are "looking into" finding a place closer to home for me to work. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, gnashing my teeth and binding my time. I won't get into the details but you wouldn't believe the impact of the new job on my daily schedule. Bad call on my part, even though the job itself is far from unpleasant.

I haven't found any kindred souls yet in the new office, although everybody is extremely friendly. We're too busy to socialize much anyway.

Not much else to report on.